xrwmata - argenté

when did we collectively, as a society, decide to not give a fuck about anything and anyone other than ourselves?

i was having a discussion with my friend about the whole idea of independence and being a strong independent woman that needs no one and can do everything and she never gets and never needs help and she is fine living a lonely life if that means all the “toxic” people stay away from her. the conversation started from us talking about this third person who my friend feels like she has been consumed by this ideology and the self-growth and self-development movement. don’t get me wrong it’s crazy important to be capable and independent and all that. and self-growth is a neccessary part of our lives. but it has taken a very weird turn.

it’s extremely wrong to teach young people, young girls, that they should be able to get by just by themselves. that doesn’t mean they can’t. they totally can, they are amazing at it. look at all the powerful women in history. look at all the powerful women in your life. but they don’t have to. you don’t have to to rely on yourself only. you don’t have to be alone. you don’t have to run away from friendships when one small problem occurs.

a toxic situation is obviously toxic no matter what but not everything is toxic. your friend is not toxic because she couldn’t go out every day of the week. your friend wasn’t toxic because she wanted to discuss something that bothered her maybe one too many times. your friend is not toxic for having a life outside of your friendship. in today’s world it’s extremely easy to call everything toxic or traumatic or whatever negative. but since we are so “for self-growth” maybe that’s what we should focus on. sometimes i am in the wrong. sometimes i can be a bit much to people that think and act in different ways. sometimes i am the asshole. and sometimes i’ll end up in toxic situations. but not every fucking time. this may be a bit harsh but if you keep finding the same problems in every friendship that ends, if you start seeing too many patterns, maybe that’s on you. maybe it’s not. but there’s a high chance you are the problem, and that’s ok. everyone deserves to be the asshole sometimes. everyone deserves to make mistakes and be forgiven. everyone deserves to fuck around to find out. but you can only do that, you can only achieve “growth” by acknowledging it. you’ll never go far if you always blame everyone else in your life.

so back to my original point here, let’s stop acting as if we can do everything on our own. no one can live a life alone. it’s miserable, colorless and achieving your goals becomes impossible. humans are social being and they need community. we crave for a community. that’s why religions, fandoms, the lgbtq+, discord, gigs, support groups, workspaces, cafes, reddit, exist. that’s why everything exists. that’s why we live in cities and we are not all randomly spread around in the world. that’s why we build museums, arenas, attractions, public transportation, bookstores. humans need human contact.

next time someone on the internet tries to convince you that “it’s time to focus on yourself. you don’t need anyone. you don’t need a best friend, you don’t need a partner, you don’t need anyone in your life because you can do everything by yourself because you are strong. stop looking for people when the best company is yourself.” actually think about it. use your brain. yes you don’t specifically need someone to feel whole, you shouldn’t. you are a whole person. i am a whole person. but if i could choose to either spend my time around people i love and care about or in solitude i would choose the first. no amount of time i spend by myself can ever compare to the time i spend with my girls. and don’t get me wrong, i love me some me time. i love spending my time at home by myself, i love driving around by myself, i love all of that. i need my alone time. but i also love my time with others. that’s not a weakness. it doesn’t mean that i’m not strong or independent enough. it doesn’t mean that i don’t love myself.

balance is the key.

let’s stop brainwashing teens and young adults. stop preaching self-development at all times, in every action, in every decision. not everything is about self-development. sometimes i just want to have fun. i don’t want to think how those drinks are going to help me tomorrow, they won’t. but i’ll be having the time of my life for the rest of the night and that’s what matters. my friend talking to me about this guy that she likes for hours is not going to help me in any way. but it’s not about that.

friendships are not about equal giving and taking. they’re not about benefiting from everything. they are not about independence and development. sometimes one person will be more willing to give more to relationship that the other. sometimes the one person will have more things that bother them to discuss. friendships are about overall balance.

you don’t have to benefit out of every situation in your life. that’s not what makes it worth it and important. the worth of things, situations and relationships doesn’t lie behind the idea of “how long can this benefit me? how long can this last? can this last?'“. this is another thing that bothers me incredibly.

we are constantly getting pushed, shoved in the face, this narrative of duration and worthiness. they tell us that duration is the thing that deems something worthy. duration and lasting are the important aspects of relationships. since i can remember i would constantly hear adults talking and saying the classic phrase “ok but is this going anywhere? what is the point of this? i won’t marry them.” the movies also played a big part in that. especially princess movies. this narrative of “the one” and how if it’s not “the one” they are not worth spending my time on them. i was always taught that one day i’ll find “the one” and no one else would matter, no one that came before, no one that could come after. but that’s far from the truth.

i’ve met an insane amount of people in my life, especially in the past 2 years. some of them better, some worse. some situations ended in good terms, some not. but it never even occured to me that a person wasn’t worth investing in just because it will end at some point. i think this is a very pretentious way to experience life. “oh but it won’t last” so what? nothing lasts. nothing in this life is permanent, apart from its end. nothing is permanent. no one stays forever. unfortunately and fortunately at the same time. so why would i even consider spending my time worrying about things not lasting and people leaving when i can spend that time with them? when i can spend that time with someone i enjoy sharing my life with at that point in time? while i was travelling i kept meeting people for a few days, some weeks tops. and the people i met travelling are some of my favorite examples of how close you can get with someone in a small amount of time. because travelers don’t worry about our time together ending tomorrow morning. they care about the time we actually do get to have together. \

so please i'm begging you, stop this nonchalant and independent bullshit and feel again. let’s stop pushing people away just because at some point they’ll leave. wait for that point to come. stop acting like you don’t need anyone, no one made it alone, like no one ever. look at all the famous and significant people in history and i am asking you to find one, only one of them, that made it all alone. love your friends guys. be there for them, genuinely. listen to them and they’ll listen too.

don’t be afraid to feel. grief is better than nothing. sorrow is better than nothing. happiness is better than nothing. excitement is better than nothings. feel

vale