come - adrianne lenker

when i was 15 i looked at my dad and decided i’ll be better than him. when i was 13 i looked at my sister and i decided i’ll do better than her.

my sister and dad share lots of their qualities, even though my sister hates to admit it. the most significant one is how they handle their rage. or maybe the way they treat others when they are mad, sad, or frustrated.

when any of them has a bad day, everyone has to have an even worse day. and they make that clear through yelling, shouting, being mean. i grew up in a house full of screaming. at least after the age of 10. Everyone would always scream and yell, and there was constantly an ongoing competition to see who could shout louder and for longer. that’s when i turned quiet. i learned to keep my thoughts to myself. i learned to keep to myself and handle things on my own. i did everything in my power to avoid conflict. Many times I would stand up from the kitchen table when things would start to heat up. my parents would get even angrier when i did that. They hated when i was trying to avoid it. but that’s when i learnt that you have to pick your battles. Most of the time I didn’t avoid mine. i picked them on my own, in my room, with my music, lying on the floor. i would run to my room and cry for hours. after that, my mom would always bring me fruit or a beverage.

i learnt how to compose myself and keep calm, which is a good trait. i learnt how to handle issues privately and somewhat efficiently. but i also lost contact with my family. i completely ostracised myself from them to a point where i would look down on them in disbelief and almost disgust. for some years, i stopped talking to them. i would only have chit chat with them when i needed to but i would always run to my room with the first chance i got. i built a home in my supposed home. i decorated my walls, i put pictures on them. i filled the room with music, my friends, everything that could let me escape. i got my first pair of headphones in my teen years and i don’t think i was ever seen in that house without them for a long time after i purchased them. i built a small gateway to a different reality in there. i taught myself to be strong, independent. i taught myself to stay positive, in a very pretentious and surface-level way that I couldn’t acknowledge at the time. i inevitably taught myself to be alone. when my room stopped being enough of an escapism tactic, i entered my darkest moments of trying to grab onto anything that would make me feel in control of myself and my life, even if that was unhealthy and autodestructive.

When you grow up in a house of shouting, you either try to overpower them by shouting even louder, or you swear them off completely and distance yourself from them. In my first month of work, my friend told me something that has stuck with me since. She said, “The more you stare at the monster, the more of it you become”. When I was 12, I decided to stop staring at the monster completely to prevent that. That was probably not the wisest way to handle it, but oh well, what did I know? i swore off all shouting. i started to handle things in a very different way than my parents. i wanted to be better than my family.

as an adult now i still use the same techniques to decorate my home. home and everything that stands for is something dearly important to me. as a kid and a teen i never felt at home. i didn’t feel at home in my house. i didn’t feel at home with my family. i learned that home is something you create, something you invest in. home to me is a million different things now. i am constantly in search for it.

every person has this moment of realization at some point in their life concerning their inner child. mine is about this. this is how i keep my inner child satisfied. every time i build a home, every time i choose to not shout but simply talk, every time i open up, i discuss my feelings, i don’t take my anger or frustration out on someone who has nothing to do with it, they all come from her and happen for her. i am the person i am because of me entirely. Everything I’ve lived and everything i didn’t have made me who I am. Younger me would love me now. i sometimes doubt that in desperate moments. but younger me would love me. She would love that i do all the things she wanted to encounter in her time. i’ll keep looking for a home everywhere for her because she never felt like she had that. (This doesn’t mean that my parents are bad people or anything like that, they did their best. their best was unfortunately not great for me.)

If I could go back, I think i would act the same way. Sometimes it’s better to fight, though. I know that now. when your only options are to have a fight or not talk at all, have that fight. it’s better now. but i’m glad i didn’t do that then. i couldn’t handle any more fighting. pick your battles, don’t just avoid all of them. that’s what i would say to my younger self if i could. that’s what i know now.

vale