we promised to come back to earth - melentini

how do i define success?

since the beginning of my thinking i can remember that i was always very concerned about being succesful. the need to be succesful and accomplished is like an itch, a weight i have to carry with me everywhere i go, someone i have to introduce to everyone i meet. yet, wouldn’t say i was ever truly succesful in a stereotypical sense. i never had the best grades, i never was the best at anything i was doing. i wasn’t the worst, but certainly not the best. i also had no drive to become the best.

how can you be so attached and mentally dependent on success without being a perfectionist? is it even possible?

i think perfectionism is such a specific term nowadays while also being extremely broad and misused. most people i’ve met, especially in the artistic fields will claim they are perfectionist in their element; the arts. but i don’t think that defines a perfectionist. most people do want to be great in their field, in what they are passionate about. maybe that’s a biased opinion though. maybe i believe people think this way because i do. well unfortunately this is my journal with my opinions and my train of thought.

the point i am trying to make here is that i don’t believe perfectionism is exclusively tied with the need for success. as a perfectionist you need success, you strive for it, you live, breathe it. but when you just have the need for success you don’t really need to be a perfectionist. one-way dependency.

i’m not a perfectionist. i want to be the greatest at what i love, but i know that couldn’t be true, so i just strive to keep learning, keep coming up with ideas, keep getting educated on the things that matter to me.

but let’s go back to my original question:

how do i define success?

this is a tough question i like to ask myself once in a while, only when i feel i can be as objective and honest as possible. it’s very easy for me to undermine all my personal successes. i have a very high, and probably unattainable, standard for success in my life. but i think i can be honest and truthful and sympathetic today.

success to me is having a job, a car, economic independence, my own place, making new friends (especially in my home city), travelling, volunteering, cleaning my house, doing the dishes, filling up the gas in my car, sticking to my plans, making food for myself, going to the grocery store, buying medication when i’m feeling ill, PAYING FOR MY flights, my accomodation, basically everything for my travels, studying, starting a new book, finishing a book, watching a movie i’ve wanted to watch for a long time, learning a new skill, making art, making a lot of art, playing my guitar, going to bed with no stress over anything, making my parents happy, being there for my friends, going back to education even after it failed me so many times, being the mature one in conflicts with people, speaking up about what bothers me, staying, leaving, buying vegetables, building connections with people in my travels, taking part in exhibitions, being good at my job even though it doesn’t interest me, driving to the beach or my friends’ places or the mountains, parallel parking in a tight spot, not depending on alcohol or drugs for day to day functions, replying to texts.

as long as i remain an artist, a traveler, a good friend, i am successful.

success to me will be having a balcony, having a job i enjoy, getting a degree, going back to making art constantly, moving abroad again, travelling, volunteering, to meet even more people, learning to leave things in the past, keeping myself calm, getting rid of auto-destructive tendencies, having a house in pelion to grow old if i reach that age, getting better at hiking, if i am going to settle to a routine then at least make it interesting (i don’t mind being tired, i mind being bored), keep learning, keep moving, to not forget, to stay connected to my 17 year old self. i want to stay caring.

success to me is intertwined with care. you can only become successful if you care, caring is my only drive to success. whether that’s caring for my career, my friends, the world, my community, politics, the socioeconomic state of my country, human conflicts, kids dying in a genocide that my country politically supports, immigrants and migrants getting shipped off to their origin countries or places much worse than that, adolescense, the climate, preserving the environment, giving back to the world what my luck at birth has given me, helping others in every way i possibly can, speaking up, building a solid future, completely demolishing because i end up caring more about enjoying my life.

Success is caring, success in speaking up, success is not forgetting, success is empathy.

As long as I remain a human with a conscience, ethics, and a moral for the people, I am successful.

valea